Oh how I’ve been waiting and praying for this moment when I could finally share with you this piece of my life with you. I get so many questions about singleness and I thought I would finally open up about some of the lessons I’ve learned as a single Christian woman. The first stop I want to make is about the time I thought this guy was my husband. Yep, we’re going there. I really believe this blog will help shed some light on an area that maybe we don’t talk about much. So, grab some tea or coffee as we talk about the time I thought my ex was the one and how I healed when I realized he was NOT. No seriously, this post is kind of long so grab a snack lol.
Here’s a little backstory: About two years ago, I was just getting out of relationship with a guy I thought I was going to marry. We were in a pretty serious courtship and I just KNEW he was the one. I was finally at a place of surrender to God (or so I thought) and I met this Christian guy on social media who lived near by at the time. It was so cool to finally have someone I could read the Bible with, pray with and just have fun with! I was literally obsessed with him. I watched him as he watched his games on TV (I’m that girlfriend & will be THAT wife lol) and I totally thought we were on the same page. Things took a turn in our relationship when we started talking about planning the wedding. We decided to start planning the wedding before the ring because we both knew we were serious about each other. Now sisters, let save you the trouble and encourage you to NOT plan the wedding if you are not engaged yet. (OF COURSE if the Spirit of GOD is leading you to, then do it but use discernment and know who’s voice you’re listening to.) This is very important. This will keep you from heartbreak, disappointment, feeling rejected in the case that you guys break up.
Now, you might be thinking, well if everything was going well, what happened? Why’d y’all break up?! We broke up because God broke us up. We broke up because neither him or I were whole, healed and at a place where we could truly love, serve and honor one another. While I don’t believe you have to be perfect in order to be courting or married, I do believe that you should definitely be at a place of wholeness, contentment and spiritually mature in order to truly thrive in a Gospel-centerd relationship.
Without going into too many details, I believe we lacked all three of those things. I know for me, I wasn’t healed from my past. Anything that reminded me of my past relationships, led into accusations and tough arguments between me and him. The problem was I clung to that relationship to fill a God-sized void; only to be quickly disappointed when I realized he couldn’t provide me with that.
Not only was I not healed, but he was not at a place where he could lead me–especially in the area of purity. To be completely honest, there were boundaries within our relationship that were crossed sexually. WE DID NOT HAVE SEX. However, due to our lack of accountability and the standard not being kept, we definitely crossed boundaries. We crossed paths I knew were wrong, like kissing, cuddling – things that I’ve always wanted to do with my one day husband. I will say that we BOTH did not honor each other in this. Each time it happened, I felt myself straying further and further away from God. At the same time, I felt so ashamed to even go to God about this relationship. I just knew deep down inside something wasn’t right, but because of the shame, I locked myself into the shell of isolation and tried to work things out on my own. Big mistake. It would be absolutely outrageous to say he alone was the problem, this blog isn’t to bash him AT ALL. But I do believe that men are called to protect and in this particular relationship I don’t believe I was being protected. I didn’t have peace about his leadership in our relationship, in fact it always seemed he was leading us down that wrong path more than he was the right one. It wasn’t always like this, in fact, things were great in the beginning but slowly but surely our relationship started to reflect the world.
Again, there’s SO many other details that I wouldn’t dare put in this blog, but again I lacked total peace in that relationship and knew God had more for me. To say I was disappointed that this relationship ended would be an understatement. In my lack of understanding, I felt unseen by God in the area of marriage. “I’m never going to get married!” is what I would think. I also felt embarrassment and shame due to crossing boundaries with him so I dealt with guilt for a LONG TIME. But what hurt the most was surrendering to Jesus. Sometimes surrender doesn’t feel good, especially when letting go of something you treasure so much. For me, I needed to be whole and the first stop was surrendering my desire for marriage and to grow in my singleness. But in my surrender, I found wholeness, healing and God’s heart for me. Which leads me to the purpose of this blog…
My heart for this post was to encourage those women who have been disappointed from a failed relationship. Maybe you thought someone was the one and they hurt or maybe like me you just lacked peace in a relationship and you had to end it out of obedience. However you got to this place, I wanted to show you that you’re not alone. I know that often times we can feel hopeless when we get into these types of situations, but know that God is faithful. He’s greater than you’re heartbreak, the rejection you might feel and the hopelessness you might find yourself sinking in.
Here are three things I would invite you to dig your heels into. I believe if you’re in that place of getting over an ex, these three points will lead you to the solution who is Jesus Christ and produce a faith in you that’s unstoppable
- Heal – I believe the hardest thing to do is to surrender our pain to the Lord and heal. Brokenness can often times make you feel like you have to hide it all inside, but that’s simply not true. Your brokenness is welcome in the arms of a Savior who went to the cross over 2,000 years ago. Healing is the BEST thing you can do for yourself after a breakup. Because when you heal, you are able to see yourself the way God sees you. Healing produces a greater awareness of who you are and who HE is to you. Not only that, but healing allows you to release things that you might have received in your past (soul ties, strongholds, etc.) so that you don’t bring it into a new relationship. For me, healing was the very thing that allowed me to go deeper into my walk with Jesus. I stepped into a new realm of wholeness that placed me on a mountain top of freedom. Let Jesus heal every part of your heart and don’t skip this step because it’s a little uncomfortable. Healing just requires your yes and it doesn’t mean you’re a “special case” just because you decided to heal. If anything healing means you’re brave and care about your joy, peace, purpose and you’re ready to move forward. Thrive in your healing and let nothing stop you.
- Rest In His PERFECT timing- Yes, you beautiful….rest. Rest in God’s timing, rest in His provision, rest in His love FOR YOU. His timing and His provision is PERFECT. I think that after believing someone is “the one” you begin to believe that NO ONE will ever be for you and that’s NOT the truth. During my time of healing, God showed me how He can do ANYTHING including send a God-fearing man into my life. So, I decide to trust His timing every single day and honestly now I’m seriously not stressing about it. I am 26-years old and loving my life. 🙂 God already knew about your desire for marriage before you did. It’s not a surprise to Him. He even knows that it was heartbreaking for you to go through that breakup. BUT He also doesn’t want you to go through that AGAIN. He doesn’t want you to get hurt AGAIN. He doesn’t want you to be confused about who you’re supposed to be with EVER AGAIN. Now that you know that, rest in knowing that He has your whole world in His hands and He cares about this specific area of your life. He cares SO MUCH that He won’t let you be with just anybody and He also won’t let you be with someone when it’s not the right time. There’s things that God wants you to do in this season and if you’re not married then there’s a REASON for that. God chose you to be single for this moment in your life because He knew you’d need to be fully devoted to the work He’s given you. Not only that, but He’s preparing you and him to one day be together in marriage. Sister, you have so much time to spend time with our Father, heal, walk in purpose, travel and whatever else you desire to do. When that time comes for you to get married, you’ll be glad you used this time well. Girl, use this time wisely, be brave and walk in your single season with confidence in HIS perfect timing.
3) Know Your Worth – I think the biggest thing that happens from a failed relationship is that it can rock your identity and confidence. Maybe not for everyone, but for many of us, a failed relationship = unloved, unseen, failure and I’m not enough- all labels that God doesn’t want you carrying around. Sister, you are loved, seen, and totally enough despite what has happened in the past. Be reminded that no matter how you feel, your identity is still in Christ. Be reminded that no matter who has yet to see your beauty and qualities, that you matter and you do count. My biggest prayer for you is that you’d understand that no man can ever define…even your one day husband. Say this with me: I AM A CHILD! In fact, say it as many times as you need to so that you can receive that you are a child of God. You are a daughter of a God who speaks and mountains move. The One who created the sun, moon and starts and watches over BILLIONS of humans on Earth. The One who chose YOU to carry His name into the Earth. He decided to die for you, He decided to give you this new life in Him. He gave up His life so that you’d have one. Because of Jesus, you are so worth having a man pursue you. Don’t devalue yourself just because you don’t see God’s provision yet. DO NOT SETTLE. DO NOT SETTLE. DO NOT SETTLE. He will be faithful to His word if we faint not!
Ultimately, dealing with heartbreak is not fun and I get it. But your life, dreams and desires aren’t over just because of this one failed relationship. Learn the lessons you need to learn from it, heal and move forward. Jesus took my brokenness and helped me see that though I didn’t get it right that time; doesn’t mean it’ll be like that next time. In fact, God is still on the throne and through Him, He can lead us to fulfill those desires in our heart in HIS timing. Jesus is the One our hearts should be longing for. He fills every void, and every insecurity we might have. Although marriage is a real desire even I have, it’s not the finish line in this Christian journey. You didn’t miss God because of this one relationship, He has GOOD plans for you. Never forget that. Jesus has amazing plans for you; right there in your season of singleness. Thrive in it, keep trusting in the Lord and live it out boldly.
Always here to have convo, leave your thoughts down below!